Ghostly Memory. The girl with the voice of 100 trains.

It was around 2004-2005 time frame, I recently moved in with my real father for a short period. I was in middle school and had a newly found girlfriend, we were dating about two weeks at the time so it was getting pretty serious you could say. I was raised in the south (Georgia) and down there you see many old Victorian houses with the wrap porches. Well my father’s house was a mixture of Victorian exterior with the “shotgun” interior. Front door straight to the back door with rooms on each side.

I was laying on the couch in the front left room facing the window, laying some of the sweetest lines I’ve ever heard to my girlfriend. I intensely freeze with fear as I watched a women with black hair and an old style gown laid on top thin shoulder that could cut ice. I wouldn’t use the word “walked” but she more glided from the front of the house around to the side. I was hoping she’d disappear as there one the corner of the house than the windows continued around the house but she didn’t. I was so scared that I could feel my feet starting to burn and tingle.

I believe that was my body was of saying get up and run but my brain locked up and my eyes were the only thing functional at this point. Just as quickly as I heard the door across the hall open I was out in the hallway hoping it was my father looking for me. Not the case, I caught a glimpse of the tail end of a milky white gown slip into the formal dining room as the door seems to close. I could feel the sweat in my lower back at this point but I had to follow, Now there was a door connecting the dining room to the kitchen. As I opened the door to the dining room fully expecting to see something….nothing.

I made my way into the kitchen and there she was the women that I had followed for the last ten second standing on top of the island my dad had installed recently. I can not even begin to describe the terror and adrenaline running through me, I could instantly hear my own heartbeat in my ears. The “fight or flight” action in my body was ripped out and mashed into pieces. We had one of the racks that hold the pots and pans above your head and that’s what this lady was shaking so hard it sounds like four trains were on each side of my head. The tunnel vision was kicking in at this point and I thought I was going to pass out from fear but my father had heard the noise and was shaking my shoulders to knock away the debilitating hold this thing had over me.

Fast forward to 2011, my father sold the house and I kept thinking about that night. I did some research and found out that the building that was there before the house was an old railroad administration building on that section of the land and had caught fire. The girl who worked there during the summer had been found burned to death trying to climb out of the small vent in the roof but it was locked from the top. So maybe that’s why I felt trains around my head or the tunnel vision but I’ll never forget that night and I still can’t be too close to a train station.

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Change the color of your seed, don’t pour paint on your pedals.


As we begin the new year, we have these burning desires to leave the mistakes, damaging bad habits and baggage in the pervious year. However, it’s easier said than done in terms of washing your hands of the dirt. You can force yourself to eat clean and do more reps during a set at the gym but you need to re-evaluate your mental commitment. 

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I have a love/hate relationship with the phase “it’s the thought that counts.” Well yes and no, yes because it’s a great way to do something nice for someone or complete a task. No, because I could say, well I know I drank and drove but it wasn’t my intention to hit that person. Of course that’s the most extreme example but some of our thoughts and action are equally damaging to some degree. Let’s drive into a few ways of changing our thought patterns on bad behavior. 

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I’m FAR from a social psychologist, but I know what has worked for me and I believe there’s a difference because studying people and understanding what your studying. I’ve serviced in the military for the last ten years since I was 17 years of age, and yes you can do that. Yes, there’s a way of thinking and solving problems in the military but contrary to popular belief we are not robots. I’ve developed my own ways of dealing with different types of individuals as the military is extremely diverse in both nationally and racially. Of course you need to be a US citizen but a lot of folks EARN their citizenship once they serve for a few years. 

With that being said, there are a few people in this world that push me to the limit just by blinking or breathing the same air as me. Those individuals don’t even need to say anything and I already disagree, if they said it was raining outside I’d go get my rain coat and call them a liar. I know this is not healthy to feel this way and that’s why I’m leaving that negative thought pattern in 2018. 

(“New Year, New Me” bullshit, let’s stop saying that.) 

Check out this blog: 

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I can hear you saying to yourself “man, this guy must carry a lot of negativity around all the time.” Well no, I’m genuinely an optimist but it’s a small hand full of people that throw my emotions in a spiraling mess of anger, anxiety and pure desire to challenge them as chance I get. I hate feeling this way and carrying that hate in my heart for days at a time because of one little meaningless thing they said it didn’t say or a small laugh or moving their hands a certain ways..those Mother fuckers sieidioeiejxnebwbjc c candidxkd . I’m sorry, I saw red for a second. 

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Reminder, I’m not social psychologist so I’ve researched and found a few articles I thought provided some great tips and tools. The first article by a delightfully insightful women named Arlin Cuncic. In this short article she reviews “8 Tips to Change Negative Thinking.” 

•Understanding your thinking style

•How to stop thinking negatively 

•How to cope with criticism 

•How to practice mindfulness 

•Why thought stopping doesn’t work

•Understanding thought diaries 

•Sample thought diary 

•How to complete a thought diary 

See article 

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-change-negative-thinking-3024843

Here’s a beautiful piece I came across with some wise words of wisdom on inner soul searching. 

https://mrsmindfulness.com/the-four-keys-to-overcoming-negative-thinkingfor-good/

In this article, Melli Obrein crafts the levels of our self in such a way you immediately connect yourself and start the evaluation of your interior mindset. At times, we all face points of rage, being annoyed or wanted to completely run away from a person. There are several ways to help cope with negative thinking temporary but if you want or need to make a serious life perspective change you need to dig deep and dig hard. Be the flower you’d pick for your mother not the rotten potato from the market. 

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“New Year, New Me” bullshit, let’s stop saying that.

Well folks, our timelines, news feeds, and every conversation is plagued by the “New Year, New Me” line. Let’s stop saying it, let’s stop encouraging it, and let us start making it happen. Often times, we find ourselves keeping those New Year hopes, dreams and habits for the better part of January. Than we burn out like the lit cigarette of some guy named Mark who keeps spilling his Jameson and pickle juice on your sleeve outside the bar.

 

Step one: Pour shot of Jameson

Step two: Pour shot of pickle juice

Step three: Drink Jameson

Step four: Drink pickle juice

Step five: Realize it’s not as bad as it sounds

(You can also attempt a near black out and have six of these Jagerbomb style

although not recommended.)

Why?

Why do we not keep those promises and newly formed habits alive long enough to get some sort of benefit? Why is it so hard to keep going to the gym? Why did I have that drink after nine days of not drinking? Why didn’t I just throw the trash away instead of throwing it on my floor board of my car? All these different types of why’s but we still seem to never find the answer.

Some traditional New Year’s resolutions include:

“I’m going to quit smoking.”

“I am going to start going to the gym every day.”

“I am going to start calling my mom/dad more.”

“I am going to travel more.”

You’ve most likely heard that is takes 21 days to create a new habit but as Jonathan Miltimore of “Foundation for Economic Education” wrote “Clearly, good habits don’t come easily. In the beginning, they take conscious effort and discipline. But it can be done.” We need to take the fundamental steps to set ourselves up for success and not to expect these habits to form from a week of commitment.

https://fee.org/articles/how-long-does-it-take-to-form-good-habits/#

I understand everyone has their own lives and “busy” schedules but we make time for Facebook, Instagram, or insert social media here. In my opinion, we make excuses for the tasks we don’t want to complete or the grass we don’t want to cut well that’s horse shit. You need to make deliberate action in your day to create that new habits or break the old ones. In my personnel life, I was spending an ungodly amount of time of Facebook, it was consuming my life. The bad news of others was so fucking depressing I thought parts of my own life were just as bad little did I realize the mental confines of that 5.5 inch screen.

Take a in depth look at your life right now, write down three faults, flaws or habits you don’t like about yourself and create the circumstances for you to improve them. I know what you’re thinking, “I wonder what’s wrong with this guy and his bad habits.” Well I’ll share my lists with you and the actions I have taken or are currently using.

1. I’m spending too much time of social media

(I have logged out and deleted the apps off my phone, I kept the accounts

because I’m going to reward myself with 20 mins or so at the end of the

week)

2. I’m not living as healthy as I should.

(I’ve started less portions during meals, and started working out a bit

more. I am not out of shape but Christmas cookies hit hard.

  3. I do not call my family members enough.                                                                 (Once a day, I will call or send a text saying something nice or let them                know I’m thinking about them.)

You don’t need to change the world or be Mr./Mrs. Universe to feel good about yourself, start small. Call someone you love, put down the phone pick up a pencil and draw or read the first five pages of a book. Think of it this way, you don’t make it to the top of a lighthouse by jumping up 10 flights of stairs. You’re forced to take it one step at a time, use that method in life and stop trying to climb a mountain with flips flops.

https://goo.gl/images/2cofJh

Inner soul searching on an asshole level. The amazingly personal personality test.

I’ve considered becoming a “blogger” for a while now, however my blunt personality, straight forward answers and sarcasm has never really been received well over text. I was hesitate about coming across as an asshole or having readers disengage from my post or not engaging at all. Even on social media I take a second to revise my comments because according to my wife, “you sound like your being a dick” when I’m giving an honest answer or unbiased comment. I’m the type of person people refer to with the phase “he’s an asshole when you first met but pretty cool when you get to know him.”

So, one of the few solutions to my problem was do some inner soul searching and figure out why I’m rough around the edges. Instead of retreating for a 10 mediation or fasting (impossible, I married an Italian women.) or traveling to Peru for a ride on the Ayahuasca train. https://www.pri.org/stories/2015-12-01/me-ayahuasca-was-good-therapy-heres-what-science-says

I did what any resourceful, determined, and confident researcher would I googled it. I was a bit apprehensive and honestly didn’t think I’d find anything short of a 100 page dissertation paper and articles defining the sixteen different personalities types with charts and graphs. Not looking forward to cross referencing traits charts and survey results like a detective on the lower east side of Chicago in the late 90’s. I found something a bit simpler and decided to share with everyone.

Here’s my results and the amazingly detailed breakdown of who I am as a person. Enjoy!

https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

https://www.16personalities.com/enfp-personality

https://www.16personalities.com/enfp-strengths-and-weaknesses

https://www.16personalities.com/enfp-relationships-dating

https://www.16personalities.com/enfp-friends

https://www.16personalities.com/enfp-parents

https://www.16personalities.com/enfp-careers

https://www.16personalities.com/enfps-at-work

https://www.16personalities.com/enfp-conclusion

If we’re being honest, I am an asshole but I’ll still hold the door for someone well they do that little jog up because they are ten feet away.

Scattered thoughts

Scattered thoughts,

maximum focus

forced ideas

turned out bogus.

Need to write

Need to create

Writer’s block

Will force you to wait

Brain stormed ideas

organized seem to

attract only flys.

Coffee helps only for

a while, turning out to be

a frustrated smile.

Pressured to write from

imaginary peers no where

in sight. featured-image-writers-block-931x594

A little more about yours truly.

In my opinion, my opinion of me has a inconsistent stable shift based on the amount of entertainment I provide to one idea of who I think I am. Foremost, I am a husband, father, artist.

(Barnegat Bay, Barnegat, NJ. 2014)

(Daddy and Penny, 2017. Florence, AL)

Followed aggressively by being a amateur thought collector and organizer. I often write myself notes of great ideas but forget where I left my notepad. I own an irresponsible amount of notepads and can not keep a pen if my life depended on it. I struggle with caring about correct sentence format (don’t care that I don’t care) and autocorrect is my best friend. I’m not bothered by the correct process because it will hinder my creativity in the most brick wall fashion. I have strong morals and values towards life and believe holding the door for someone will help to step ahead in the line to heaven. I believe a few strong drinks with an intelligent conversationist can out perform any therapist. I’ve slept under the stars and felt the rains in Germany, I’ve swiped the dust from my notepad in Djibouti. I’ve stood in aw of the St. Louis Arch and the simplicity of the design. I had a heart to heart with a 6’5 bouncer at the Coo Coo’s Neat in Queens. The state trooper in Dallas didn’t believe me when I told I identified as someone who doesn’t obey the speed limits. I still do not believe you can see Russia from the mountain tops in Anchorage no matter what my sister in law says.

(Mountain ridge, AK. Nov. 2016. Elevation 3000m.) No, that’s not Russia.

(Gulf of Tadjoura, Horn of Africa. Nov 11, 2015)

I love with my whole heart and feels with every sense in my body. Step toward life, don’t back down from it.

Welcome, take your seat. I’ve been waiting for you!

Well, I’m glad you’re here and you made it safe. Feel free to read, comment or share anything you see or read. I’ve searched for an outlet for excess creativity that artwork does not pull out of me. I found myself wanting to randomly put my thoughts to paper but didn’t want to keep track of a dozen notebooks. You’ll notice at times, my sentence structure or run on paragraphs awaken your inner grammar monster. Allow me to explain, if I try to hard to remember all the bs rules of English I won’t be able to focus on my initial thoughts. So hence the title “Write drunk, edit never” I do not plan to come back and edit these posts because once my thoughts are out, they’re out.

The proper format for a blog is unclear or maybe the fact that I haven’t researched how it should be is the answer. I’m not looking for The Warwick Prize for Writing, but I mean if you think I should get it than that would explain the celebratory drinks. This blog may turn into something more or something more focused. However, it’s my creative rebound for having artist’s block. Well I guess if I’m blogging and creating content….that’s art? Fuck it, let’s have a good story.

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